Accepting What God Allows

Wallowing

For two years, I've struggled to and resisted writing this post that God put on my heart after my Julian transitioned from this life. During this time, I suppose I've been navigating through the stages of grief, of which "acceptance" is considered the final stage. I can't say if this process is cyclical but I know that it's not linear. I'm still grieving. I've stumbled through the stages clumsily, even distancing myself from God. In the early months, I clung to Him for every breath! Then, with the many "first" things that didn't include my Julian, I felt sad again: his birthday, first car he never rode with me in, holidays ...it makes me mad and sad. Nothing is more deafening than the SILENCE in the world since he left. It's TOO quiet. Instead of filling the silence with God things, I tried to fill it with distractions, projects, TV and worldy noise! I stopped mediating on the Word that sustained me and "took a break" from church. That didn't help! It was all futile. None of it fills the void.

My Jonah Moment

At the start of this process, God gave me the gift of gratitude in the midst of my suffering (see my 2nd blog post), along with the idea for this one. As time passed and grief ebbed and flowed, I decided I wasn't equipped and didn't want to write it because I haven't accepted what God allowed.

I'm learning that even the stages of grief have layers. On some level, I accept that my son's purpose in this life is complete. I accept that good people may die young (Isaiah 57:1). I accept that God rescued Him and set him free from addiction (Psalm 34:18; Isaiah 61:1). I truly struggled to accept how he left this life, even though I know he was a believer in Christ and is in God’s care. How he died mattered! It was hard to accept.

Like Jonah fled when God called him to preach at Nineveh, I, too, have been running from this assignment. My wallowing was actually the storm that plunged me into the belly of the whale. (Please read full caption in the above faithtime.art instagram post, a portion of which is quoted below).

Sometimes what feels like your storm is actually your salvation. Sometimes what looks like your setback is actually your setup. Sometimes the very thing that swallows you whole is the thing that carries you exactly where you need to be. Maybe you're in the belly of your whale right now. Maybe you're in a dark place that feels like punishment, like the end of your story. Maybe you're wondering how something this overwhelming could possibly be part of God's plan. But what if it's not meant to destroy you? What if it's meant to redirect you?...The whale didn't come to end Jonah's story. It came to get his story back on track.

Bible Study

Acceptance

Now that I'm back on track, here is what I've lived and learned so far: We live in a fallen, evil world where bad things happen, since the beginning of time. While we are traveling through this life, this temporary home, we will suffer (John 16:13). Even with the strongest of faith, hope and prayer, we cannot escape troubles and/or tragedies as a part of this life. Even the greatest men and women in the Bible faced years (even decades) of tragedies, hardships, unjustifiable imprisonment and undeserved, brutal deaths. Christ endured the worst of what we will ever face in this world, from slander, betrayal and ridicule, to humiliation and crucifixion.

At first, HOW my son died troubled me deeply. Then, I awakened to this revelation: Jesus (who was not guilty of any crimes) was executed, in the most heinous way: suffering for hours, nailed to a cross, torn flesh. Yet, the big story is that He sacrificed His life to redeem the world, giving glory to God our Father. When I heard my pastor say (of Christ's crucifixion): "Sometimes what looks like God's failure to the world, is actually victory in Christ," I knew God was speaking to me. He wanted me to forget about the 'how' of it and focus on the "big story." What happens to us here on earth, while painful and maybe tragic, doesn't compare to glory to be revealed in and to us in our eternal home with Him. (Romans 8:18).

The Comfort Regift: Trust and Faith

We can only accept what God allows when we lean into Him to understand His character through the Holy Spirit in us, prayer and His Word. Biblically, we see David, Joseph, Moses, Joshua, Paul (and many more) endure the worst of the worst. They spend years in the wilderness, or a pit or prison. But, in the end, they achieve the character (as in Romans 5:3-5) and a purpose that was pre-destined for them by God before the world began. In every story, God gets the glory! Our lives aren't for us actually. We were created by God for His purposes. He's sovereign and His plans and ways are higher/bigger (Isaiah 55:9). He once revealed to me that He is higher and bigger than my grief, just as his ways and thoughts are higher. He's the only one that knows the whole plan from beginning to end. Truth is, His plans and ways are above our level of comprehension. So we must rely on what we know about His character (Proverbs 3:5-6).

While the suffering we endure now feels unending and unbearable, it is a speck on His master plan--not something frivolous or to be wasted. Just as I am sharing how God comforts me, I believe someone will also be comforted, bringing glory to God.

Even though God’s ways and thoughts are higher, he is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He comforts us (2 Corinthians 1:4). He heals and restores us (Psalm 51.12)! His love for us is deep, unconditional and everlasting! (Proverbs 3:5-6). The closer I get to Him, the more He reveals to me that He is trustworthy, dependable and loving. Even when I run away, He comes for me. This builds my faith!

There is nothing we experience in this life that our Lord hasn’t endured or doesn’t feel! Jesus deeply loved and mourned the death of His friend Lazarus. Imagining how God felt watching His son's torture and death helps me to know that He understands my loss and my mourning. And, knowing that He allowed that for the redemption of the world, tells me His love is bigger and higher than mine could ever be. Through faith, I have the assurance that I will see my Julian again and have all eternity with him.

Accepting what God allows means accepting that He created everything! He alone is sovereign. Everything comes from Him and returns to Him. Jesus told us, "you do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand (John13:7). We also have the promise that we can see Him and those we lost if we believe in Jesus Christ and everlasting life, where there will no longer be mourning or tears.

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